“Hi Kloudiia,

I’m C, I’ve been reading your book and I just started this Chapter 15 on trusting each other.

My boyfriend and I started our relationship before I found out he actually had another girlfriend. They were on the rocky side already but still I was kept in the dark until I checked his smses one day and confronted him. He promised to settle that problem but he dragged 2 full mths before finally mentioning the break up to the girl. Before that, while I was away in Japan, he went out with her secretly but I too, found out when I saw his smses.

Kloudiia, he’s been very truthful to me ever since but I’ve been using those truths as examples to substantiate my points whenever we quarrel. I can’t seem to let these past go even though we’ve been fairly ok for the past 6 mths.

I’ve become very wary of his female friends smsing him too as they were his flings before. But he insisted and showed me all the smses that he didn’t do anything wrong.

And Kloudiia, sometimes when we quarrel, I’ll be so hurt that I’d cry, but he hates me crying, so he’ll switch off totally and get angry, he’d also not listen and try understanding why I am feeling upset.

I’ve so many problems but yet I do not know how to voice everything out just yet. I’m hoping you’d help me for the above for now.” - C

Dear C

Looks like you already have your plate full, and yet you are telling me these are not all!

What is it that he has done after the ex-girlfriend episode that makes you ok to trust him fully now? So him being truthful to you now means he’s telling you every single sms activity he is engaging with girls whom, in your opinion, “were his flings before”?

Is this the truth you are seeking, or is it the honesty and fidelity in his feelings for you and your relationship that matters?

Why is it that you can’t let go of the past? Were you usually like this, to hold on to things that happened in the past, or is this an exception case? If it is, ask yourself honestly what is it you are experiencing right now to let you not wanting to let go of that incident.

Everyone has their own ways to forgive and forget incidents that have caused unhappiness and hurt to them. We know that time is a very good way. Tried and tested. In addition, there are other methods you can employ to expedite the process.

You know as well as I do that letting go of the past means you have to first accept that it has happened, went through the stages of validating your emotions before you can truly let go and move on. I’m not sure if you have done all that or merely told yourself that you need to let go when in actual fact you haven’t.

You do need some assistance on this. Would you like us to work with you on this?

Men generally don’t like to see women crying, especially during arguments. It render them helpless and make them look like the bad guy, even when there isn’t a third party around. They feel it, and that feeling isn’t what they’d prefer to have if given a choice.

But that doesn’t mean he should completely shut off and not take your venting of emotions as a way of communicating to him that you are hurt and you need to speak to him to clear those unhappiness.

Is he willing to work with you on this relationship? What are the signs to show that he does? What are the signs to show that he doesn’t?

Please consider those questions I’ve asked you and answer them as honestly as you could. When you are ready to do something about your relationship, I hope to hear from you again.

Warmest regards to you C.

Love, Kloudiia

Technorati Tags: love advice, dating & relationship, cheating, infidelity, breaking up, ex-girlfriend, trust, security, letting go