At the same time, when someone has just walked out of a failed marriage, they are in a transition phase to a new life. How long do they need to get used to this phase is a combination of many factors. Usually they’ll be experiencing an assortment of negative feelings, and to sort them out needs time. Furthermore, they may be tired of dating anyone in the near future due to the exhaustion from the energy drain.  

This lady you are in love with is now in the transition phase. She has a new job, and she is adapting to a new life without her husband. There is a certain amount of healing that needs to be done internally, while coping with the new external demands of life. It would be excellent if she has a strong support network of family and close friends. If not, then it will be more stressful on her and she’ll need a longer time to completely jump out of this pithole.

There are some questions that you need to ask yourself, if you haven’t already found out the answers. Was she working when she was married? Is her new job demanding (since she is a sales agent there may be a quota that she needs to hit monthly)? Does she still has any outstanding issues with her ex-husband that she is clearing now? Does she still have any feelings for her ex-husband? Is there any chance of a reconciliation? Does she has any financial difficulties now? You did not mention any children, so I am assuming there are none

You need to know all these so that you can better assess her readiness and her stress level to know what you can or cannot do for her at this moment. Sometimes a word of reassurance and an act of care and concern is what she needs from you most. On the other hand, a declaration of love may be what she fears most as this will mean she has to make a decision, which can throw her into a dilemma. 

If there are still outstanding issues, then it is probably understandable that she doesn’t want to commit to a new relationship as the previous one has not “officially” ended. At the same time she could have developed some feelings for you, which is why she said the second time wasn’t a rejection. Also the fact that she doesn’t want to lose you as a friend only shows the weight you carry in her heart. My guess is she is treating you as a slightly more than ordinary friend. Do you feel that too?

You need to be more empathetic towards her situation and step in her shoes for a minute and feel how she feels. While she may actually like you and having you around, she is still emotionally not ready for another full-blown committed relationship. I don’t know how long has she been seperated, but if the lady says she is not ready, that means she is not ready. An exclusive relationship carries certain expectations, and given her current state she may find it too overwhelming and pressurising. Therefore, to choose to remain as friends seems like a much better option for her now.

Counselling helps a lot for people who are going through divorce as they can learn how to heal those wounds, reconcile the doubts that they have inside them (whether are they the one who caused the marriage to fail? what can they do differently? why is this happening to them etc) and finally learn to love themselves again so that they can stand on their own feet and move on to a better life.  

Do not attempt to be her counsellor. As much as it helps a lot to be her listening ear and comforting shoulder, it is an entirely different issue by acting as her counsellor. Firstly, because you lack the right skills to give her advice and direct her feelings to put her in a right state, you may end up being bogged by her problems and emotions instead. Secondly, due to the feelings you have for her, you are already not supposed to be counselling her as the advice you give will no longer be objective or neutral. Seek the help of a professional is the best way to go.  

Before she settle her emotions, I guess the best thing for you to do is to remain by her side as a special friend. Do not give her added pressure and stress by asking if she would like to enter into a relationship with you. However what you can do is to check with her how much time does she think she will need. Whether or not she gives you an answer, and regardless of how much time she needs, it is entirely your call to see if you are willing to be there loving her, knowing very well that she may or may not eventually be ready after all.

There are a few more questions you may need to ask yourself before making the final jump. How old are you? How old is she? Do you have the level of maturity and understanding to handle sticky and sensitive situations that may arise between she and her ex-husband? Does your family know about her? If yes, how are they reacting to this? Are you prepared to fight for your own happiness should your parents object to this relationship?

If you are all prepared to go for it, then it only means your love for her is deep enough to tide you through all these obstacles. If so, then I must congratulate you. The next thing you must do for yourself is also to build a strong support network around you. You will need them when times become trying during certain periods, and their advice and support can help you pull through so that you have the energy and resource to give it back to the woman you love.

Finally, if you have chosen to wait for her, you may like to give yourself a time frame. If by then she still chooses not to commit, it’s either you find ways to help her eliminate her emotional baggage entirely so that she can begin a new chapter in her life, or it’s time that you do that for yourself and move on. It hurts I’m sure, yet you know that when people choose to remain where they are, sometimes you have no choice but to go on.

Technorati Tags: Dating, Seperation, Divorce, Relationships, Love, Emotional Baggage