10 First Date No-Nos!
Last night while surfing, I stumbled upon this article sharing a tip on how to get to the popular page of deli.cio.us. It says, create a list on your blog.
I’ve decided to not just read and sit on it, but, yes, to test it out! Ha ha, and see if I get a surge of visitors in the throngs of thousands to my site! Yeah Yeah ^o^
And, since I claim to be a SME in the Kingdom of Dating (er, ok ok, humiliity is a virtue! I left out a little mini postfix, it should, read, er, “SME-wanabe” instead ha!), and since I’m creating a list, I might as well make it useful and relevant, right?
This article, which I extracted from my company’s archive library, was also published in Maxim July 2005 issue, with our very own babelicious Ericia Lee as the cover girl. You can find the article archived here.
Without further ado, here’s 10 First Date No-Nos! for your reading and learning pleasure.
- Punctuality is a sign of respect for your date. It sets the impression, the beginning and the mood for the date. If you are going to be inevitably delayed, call ahead and let your date know that you will be there but perhaps not at the time agreed and that you are buying dessert. Â
- A first date does not have to be the final scene of The Apprentice - never get into an argument. It’s alright to have different opinions, just agree to disagree. As long as your opinion has been heard, move on. Remember at the end of the date, nobody needs to get fired.
- If your date asks, “Would you like some cheese with your whine -ing?”, stop and take a moment. Apparently you have been grumbling and belligerent. Complaining sends out negative vibes about you. Everyone would like to be with someone who is positive and fun!
- Some topics like religion and politics are generally taboo on a first date. You are on your first date and may not know how sensitive he/she may be. So don’t approach no man’s land subjects on the first date.
- Don’t judge a book by its cover. Avoid stereotyping and assumptions. It’s just your first date. So it’s not fair to assume what’s he/she is saying. If you need clarifications, ask subtlety.
- Me, me, me conversation is only good for one person - you! This you can have with a mirror. A good conversation should be two way and allow both of you to know each other better.
- If you are not a sex therapist, don’t bring up sex on the first date! Ascertain that you both have reached a level of closeness before approaching the subject - piece of advice, this generally does not happen on the first date.
- Mind your language, swearing and cursing are definitely out unless you are going with Robbie Williams.
- Don’t bring a third person on your first date. The ex-boy/girlfriend stories may be amusing or nasty, good or bad memories but practice generosity, spare your date from these on a first date.
- Lastly and most importantly, never criticise your date! He/She does not need your two cents bit on their attire, attitude or behaviour.
Do you have any tips on first date no-nos? Share with us, so we can all triumph over the first nerve-racking date and secure the 2nd one, and 3rd, and 4th ….
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Very general, and in my opinion, usually always broken by effective daters (if there is such a word). At the end of the day, it depends on the situation, and how it is framed. Punctuality is always downplayed based on something more important. For instance, when I know people who are late, then justify it by talking about how they were held up having to bring their grandmother to hospital and stuff. Now, in this case, it becomes extremely endearing to the date, who starts thinking - wow, so sensitive taking care of grandma. If it’s genuine, great. If not, you’ve just been had by someone who was reading some book written by a seduction expert.
I have counter examples for all of these ‘rules’ - get into an argument, then let them win; whine about things that also matter to the date to win them over; use religion and politics as either a means to build an argument or to win them over; stereotype by using humor and start with yourself using self-deprecating humor; me conversations with interesting stories draw attention; sex discussions on the first few dates prime the listener to have it on the forefront of their minds (so it depends on intent of saying it…);
bring in third person experiences so that you can determine if this person falls into the same category and you can call it quits early, or if this person is not the same; criticise your date because you care for your date…
The problem I see is that with all the books and information about ‘how to get laid’ and ’speed seduction’ stuff, inexperienced people are getting the wrong idea about dating. A number of men out there who are purely using techniques to get dates/get laid are going to break these rules you’ve mentioned above because they basically don’t care, and also because they are going to the ‘Alpha Male’ nonsense approach. And, with many women who are not aware of these tactics, danger comes. Unfortunately, the techniques work, and it’s not always the men using the techniques who are to blame.
The reason why so many ‘loser’ guys resort to these tatics is because they have a severe lack of self-esteem AND don’t have the right strategies. They don’t know how to carry themselves, or they didn’t know better. So some of them show little poise or tact when they use these ploys and hurt people along the way.
It’s important for the ladies to be able to be versatile, to play along without getting involved until such a time when they are really sure of the individual’s character. If you find people who are involved in these seduction games, I’d recommend everyone to be careful, especially if you are not aware of the intention of the other person. Heh… I haven’t even come close to talking about the problems in online dating yet… Kloudi, maybe you can have the next post on online dating.
March 28th, 2006 | #
Thank you very much Stuart! This is a very interesting comment, and it makes this post even more exciting to read.
I’ll respond to this with another post, as it’ll be too long for me to reply via comments.
Watch out for it then.
March 28th, 2006 | #
[...] Stuart has brought up many interesting points to my initial post on 10 First Date No-Nos. I shall respond to them with this post-post haha [...]
March 29th, 2006 | #
allo xiao jie,
interesting reading in this webby.
maybe I can contribute a little here. What I feel is that during a first date, both parties should try just being themselves, and not try to be somebody they ain’t. Otherwise you will probably appear very unnatural and the other party will be able to sense that.
Having said that, how you speak and how courteous you are speaks alot about yourself (without having to ‘boast’ about it). Simple things like “hello”s and “Thank You”s to the food court lady serving you your mee pok, or the ticket counter guy at the cinema, does go a long way of creating a great first impression.
March 29th, 2006 | #
Thanks for your contribution Mohawks!
To be yourselves is undeniably very important, because if one goes about putting on a fake mask on the first date just for the sake of impressing, then this person is actually laying a future minefield for him/herself. So unless they can continue to put up that act forever, they are just playing with fire.
On the other hand, sometimes we can’t be too comfortable with oneself. The keyword here is “too”, because when you put yourself in this extreme relaxed state, you tend to be less observing, less conscientious of your own behaviour and less sensitive to your date’s feelings and reactions, and you may just show some sides of you which really should only be left to much later stages when you do progress to become more than just friends.
It’s all about finding that balance, to be relaxed and comfortable with oneself enough to make the other party relaxed and comfortable too, so both of you get to enjoy a wonderful time together.
March 30th, 2006 | #
one additional tip? i’m sure it works out for some cases. it’s as simple as “Just don’t be perfect !!!” Yes, do not be perfect. Somehow, show your nervous and do a little clumsy things would sprite up your date. Well, i did say “little” clumsy only. I found it’s cute (and memorable haha) when those little things happen.
I am not sure how many people out there are looking for someone who’s just like them, and how many are looking for a perfectionist. If your date falls within the former group, so “be clumsy” … haha
April 1st, 2006 | #
Yep Tim! Thanks for your tip ha!
Sometimes when a guy shows his nervousness in front of a gal, it kinda makes him look very cute in a way that seems to tell us he’s so nervous because we’re special. It’s like being with us makes them tongue-tied. Agree? ;p
April 1st, 2006 | #
[...] Since you are a very good listener, then there is no need for me to tell you to take a genuine interest in her as a person and her life rather than rattling away with your pre-rehearsed speech, right? In any case, if you do need a quick glance-over, here’s 10 tips on first date no-nos you can use. [...]
November 30th, 2006 | #
how do you feel about kissing on the first date? I try to leave it up to my date, but I’d like to get some other ideas.
April 23rd, 2007 | #
I agree with your No-No’s especially about the judging the book by its covers. Many people have a fantasy about the first date, creating visions in their minds, and sometimes it’s not up to their standard so they feel like it’s not ‘great’ We should realize that it might actually be good and better the next time you two meet
June 4th, 2008 | #
Welcome Sabina to my blog! Hope you enjoy your stay here
Yeah, I always believe in giving people at least a 2nd chance, because the first date may have too much at stake to allow a person to truly be themselves haha… your date is lucky!
June 4th, 2008 | #