LOVE, Kloudiia

My most recent RCIA home session talked about how mums parents will do certain things for their children and the family, yet can’t help to nag or scold them for not doing their part. As a daughter, I can fully understand how their children feel.

I then remembered a girlfriend’s story about how she helped her boyfriend to move house. I chuckled when she recounted the experience to me, and there is really something to be learnt from her story, and it goes like this …

Due to her boyfriend, let’s name him Mark’s tight schedule, my girlfriend (let’s call her May) volunteered to pack up for him so that he can concentrate in rushing his project for the due date. Thinking it should be an easy task and wtih a blueprint in her mind, she was all ready to get into action. It only took her the next 10 minutes to realise what a big wrong assumption she has made.

His room was in such a mess! Dust were collected, and items were strewn at corners of the shelves. Receipts that were more than 2 years old can still be found, with the print barely readable. What did you suppose her reaction was? She flared up, at Mark.

Mark, retaliated of course, and before they know it, they were embroiled in an argument where May pointed her finger at Mark for his messiness and hence making her work so much more difficult, while Mark on the other hand, merely said she was the one who offered to pack. He didn’t ask her to!

What actually went wrong here? After May was done with her ramblings, I just laughed and then I told her how I feel about the entire issue. May offered to help out of love. Mark was happy that he’s got such a wonderful girlfriend. That’s always the beginning of a fairytale, isn’t it?

Next, reality kicked in, which was far out of May’s expectation. This is where the problem sets in. I told May that she shouldn’t vent her anger on Mark. He’s innocent! I mean, well, he’s the culprit for the mess we all agree, but what’s done cannot be undone. Instead of grumbling at Mark, or even being angry at him, she should …

Do it for Love

Yes. May should do it for love. When she realised the frustration building up inside her, because of all the dirt and mess around, what she could do is to stop a while, sit there and think, why did she volunteer to help Mark? Did she do it because she feels she’s got a flair for packing and it would be a complete waste if she don’t put her talent to good use? Or was she simply too free and needed some distraction to while away her time?

No! It’s only because she loves him! And she knew he needed help at that point of time. If May can take a minute and be clear of the purpose she’s there for, then she will not be mad at Mark for messing the whole place up (ok, maybe she still feels a certain bit of resentment, but I’m sure she certainly won’t rub this off on Mark). Then she will just do it without complaints, other than letting him know she’s really tired out at the end of the day.

The rationale is really simple. If you offered to do something, do it for love. Then you will be happy and satisfied while doing it, and after you have completed the task. Do not balk, grumble and nag at the person while doing it. This will only bring unhappiness to both parties. My catechist is a living testimonial to this concept, as she’s also the one who gave me this golden advice.

What about Mark? Well, he, on the very least, should learn to appreciate May for what she has done for him, and not take her for granted just because she loves him enough to want to help. Trust me, I have seen guys who don’t even say a simple Thank You to their partners. I’m not referring to all men, it’s some of them. So hopefully, if you are a man reading this, you do not fall into this category. Beside the basic thank you, some hugs and kisses will really work the magic to make your woman melt in your arms and go even the extra mile for you.

But if you were to nag and grumble as you are performing the task (like most of the women do, whether or not they realise it), it not only shuts the man off, it also makes them much less responsive to your efforts, because the rebel in them would have jumped out and yelled “I didn’t ask you to do it! You can choose to leave it, I’ll do it when I’m in the mood.” And when they do say this out, don’t you as a woman, feel very hurt, that despite what you have put in for him and the relationship, this is what you get instead?

So I say, and I repeat again, if you want to do something, do it for love. It will create a win-win situation as your partner will truly love you for it. Being a woman, I know how hard at times it can be to force yourself to keep your mouth shut, even though you have every reason to turn the music on with a hands-on-hips standing position. Yet, it will be worth it in the long run.

Back to May and Mark’s story. One way for May to prevent history repeating itself in the future , is to …

Set up a home system

Discuss and get Mark’s approval on how the flow should be, then set the system up. Make it easy to follow, and as hassle-free as possible. In this way, Mark can learn to be more organised, even at home, and become much more neat and tidy. To whose delight will this be? May of course! Maybe the cleaner too, if they do hire a part-timer.

To end this story, using the household mess as the analogy, what I’d like to say is this. It is perfectly alright to leave the mess as they are, if everyone can endure it. But when it reaches a level that has gone beyond someone’s threshold, then it’s either everybody in the same household sit down and talk about it to get a all-party-agreed-upon solution, or the person who’s unable to stand it has few choices to make. One, to leave it as it is. Two, to clear the mess himself so that he, and only he and not the rest, will feel happy about it. Three, to move out of the place, if this is a feasible option.

If your decision is choice No. 2, remember the golden rule – do it for love.

P.S What happens when your man in the house is the naggy one? Well, the same golden rule applies too! Ask him to either read this entry, or tell him to do it for love!