LOVE, Kloudiia

Second and last on this mini-series on the 2 keystones to a healthy relationship: Infernal Issues is Trust.

Since young, we have been taught in school and at home that we should not believe what people tell us so easily, especially towards strangers. This is our first line of defence. And it should be, but only extended towards people whom you do not know so well, but the threshold should be capped at the level where it is adequate for you to feel around for the initial moments, and not where you will eye everyone with suspicion and start putting them on the cross-examination bar, virtually and literally.

In dating, where trust is concerned, it is between two closely-knitted people who are in love. So broadly speaking, trust should be eminently present. But you know very well that this is only as perfect as we all hope to be, because there are certainly some black sheep in the herd.

Assuming you ARE a trusting person, then most probably your partner’s improper behaviour, past track records, flamboyant character may have cause you not to place so much trust on them. In this case, the solution is pretty apparent.

However, if it isn’t any of the above, AND your ”trustometer” is still trapped at the deep end of the valley, isn’t it about time now that you reflect to find out the root cause of your mistrust in him/her? Because, if 2 parties are not able to trust each other, what can you expect a relationship to be maintained on? Suspicion? Second-guessing? Or even tailing? (Ok, if you can part with some cash, you may even hire a private investigator) Wouldn’t you find this very tiring mentally, emotionally and even physically?

Just imagine this. A supposingly nice phone call from your girl/boyfriend turned out to be a 10 minute interrogation session on where have you been, someone seen you with this guy/girl when you claimed you were in a meeting, what have you done etc etc. If I were you, I would really like to hang up the phone and end the conversation, or rather, interrogation immediately.

Easiest way to get out of such a situation, since hanging up the phone is just a very temporary measure, is to lie to get your way out. Then you fabricate another lie to cover up your previous one. It never ends, in fact it is just the beginning of a big vicious circle that will blow it out of proportion resulting in the person mistrusting you even more.

If a couple has open trust with each other, then lying will not be in the cards at all. Instead, you feel safe to let the other party know your whereabouts, and who you will be with, even if you are meeting someone from the opposite sex. Honesty begets trust. It sets the foundation.

Trust needs to be earned as well. However, to be fair, the kitty should be 100% full by default from the start. That is to say, both parties agree that they will be honest with each other, and they fully trust each other, unless someone did something to break this trust. Then, the kitty will go down. It’s like putting in a sum of deposit, and you either subtract or you add it on as the days go by. If one party screws it up major, then I’m afraid it’s either the whole relationship will be called off, or this person will have to earn it back slowly and rather painfully to top back the margin.

But, if no one breaches the rule of the game, and one party decides single-mindedly to withhold the amount in the starting kitty, instead of putting in 100% of trust in the partner, he/she puts in say, just 50% with a wait-to-see-if-he/she-screw-up attitude, then believe it or not, chances are their partners will somehow flub, at least once! Call this the “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” if you like, but there is a logical explanation behind this.

For simple illustration sake, let’s say April (since it’s the month of April, no offence to ladies please. And the same can happen to men too) has been dating Alex for a couple of months. Alex has been a faithful boyfriend, really a nice guy and not a flirt, though he does have a couple of girlfriends whom he still hangs around with quite frequently. April, due to her own insecurity, feels that she should not trust Alex whole-heartedly yet, until his actions prove that he is trustworthy.

During this period, April will call Alex whenever he tells her he will be meeting some friends, especially if they are girls. Or she may just appear suddenly on the pretext of giving him a surprise. If he does not answer her call, or reply her sms almost instantly, she starts suspecting (mind you, some people are capable of almost conjuring complete images and play the made up affair like a mental movie!) if he is secretly up to something, when he could be having a meeting, or rushing a job that is due in 2 hours time. You get the picture.

If you are Alex, how long can you tolerate this before you decide enough is enough? Would you feel compelled to lie to April and stop her breathing down your neck, if you have made attempts to talk to her but she still fail to deal with her problems?

As you can see, this could go on and on, and the pattern will just repeat itself, unless April snaps out of this and start dealing with the root cause of not trusting her partner. The same goes for guys who are the ‘Aprils’ in this illustration.

In my previous profession as a Dating Consultant, I have even come across members who have an across-the-board mistrust on people in certain occupations. I cannot deny there is a certain degree of justification behind this, but if they make it a strictly no-negotation rule that they will never ever meet someone in that field, albeit they may have a good time together through our matching and the consultant’s assessement, then I feel they are letting go a chance that this person could just be The One they have been seeking for.

Trust your partner. If you can’t now, at least have trust in yourself that you will find someone whom you can trust.

[tags]Trust,Security,Partner,Relationship[/tags]