LOVE, Kloudiia

I am in the process of reading, sorting out and responding to the influx of mails asking me to advice on their love, marriage, dating and relationship challenges.  

Here are five questions I’ve picked and the reason why I am putting them together in one post is because either the nature of the questions are similar (the first three) or they really require simple, short and sweet replies from me.

Other questions which require a more lengthy response I will put it as one post entry. So if you sent me your question, please give me some time to answer them. Thanks

Let the Q&A roll now…  

“Hi kloudiia,

This is C, 20m (Kloudiia edit: 20 years old, male).  I do not know what to ask or what to start from.. but this problem has been there for almost 2 months.. and I do not have a solution to things which I deem is quite serious and has affected my life; I’m no longer the person I used to be and I seemed depress and hot-tempered very often. 3 mths ago, I got to know this gal, A, through online.. We chat alot through the msn and even agreed to chat on the phone almost every night for hours.. And about twice a week, we’ll meet out for movie and dinner… The thing is that initially, I feel that she has some kinda feelings for me, and the same for me to her. From then on, I tried doing little things to court her.. And she seemed to know I like her and at times, I feel as though I had a chance.. But things only got downhill when I learnt that she still cant get over her Ex and she even tried ways to introduce me to her friends so that I’ll fancy her friends instead of her. Soon, I plucked up my courage to confess my feelings to her, but she rejected me and said that I should be looking for someone better. But she said that she’ll always treat me as a friend.. I’m rather confuse by her action.. Part of my mind tells me that it’s all over, but part of it tells me that she’s the One for me. What should I do Kloudiia? She’s the one I’m always thinking of, I can’t lead the normal life now.. Need your help.. TKS!” - C

Dear C

Hmm, you can’t lead the normal life now, is that what you’re saying? Well, considering a young man who’s only 20 years old, life  looks so promising, bright and colourful. So what is a normal life to you?

Waking up, brushing your teeth, eat your breakfast, go to school, talk to friends, napping in attending lectures, going home, have your meals, talk to friends, feeling sour over an unhopeful relationship etc.

What I’m telling you is that you are leading a normal life still, but the reason why life is so beautiful is because it will always spring bits and pieces of suprises for you, so that you can learn from all these episodes and grow. So that your life is eventful. Are you feeling better now?

Now before I even suggest anything dangerous (Oops!) I have a few questions for you:

Part of it tells you she’s the one. So which part of it tells you that? Your heart, brain, body? Which part?

How do you know you love her? How do you know it’s not just an infatuation? Pardon me for asking this, and I’m not remotely suggesting that love doesn’t exist at such a young age (I know it does, I’ve seen real cases of couples), but it is also true that this is the time when fantasies about love is abundant and will somehow find its way to blur your vision and mislead your heart.  

If you have ascertained some facts about how you truly feel towards her, then there are two things you can do:

1. Be there for her no matter what. Just love her, care for her and take care of her without asking anything for return. She’s in a transition phase now, and nobody knows how long she’s going to take to be out of it and totally leave her ex where he should be – in the past.

Your unconditional love and sincerity may help to expedite this process, if you have confirmed what you feel for her is not something in passing.

If you choose this route, then be prepared for some heartaches and pain to be present as part of the package for being able to stay beside her. Her emotions will directly affect and influence you, which it obviously had since you are more hot-tempered now. Unless you know how to shift your states effectively, otherwise a good deal of mental preparation and a good support network (meaning your friends and buddies) has to be present so that you won’t go crazy over her mood swings and all.

At the same time, let her know that by introducing her friends to you doesn’t serve any purpose except to break your heart even more. so if she still treats you as a friend, someone whom she still treasure, then do you this favour and stop all these introductions.

Choose this option only if you are really ready to catapult yourself into the other side of the world that love resides.

2. Just leave her as she is. Stop doing all those little things to court her. But you can still contact her once in a while. Give the two of you some time to cool off, and also use time as a means to test if what you feel for her is real. Let her know that you still treat her as a very special friend and if there’s anything she needs help on, she can always look for you. But in the meantime, you will minimise contacting her.

When you know that she is over her ex and is ready for a new relationship, and if by then your feelings for her remains, then what are you waiting for?

All the best to you C, and hopefully we can hear some good news from you. Whether or not this works out, you have taken another step towards maturity and gathered one more pint of life experience in your bottle of memories. So either way, you are still living and you can choose to live happily or not.

 

“Dear Kloudiia,

I’ve recently met this girl through my friend and we have gone out together as a group for a couple of times and I have found out that I really like this girl. I find that we can hold conversations well together and her interests are almost like mine. Furthermore, she is the kind of girl that turns me on. She’s aware that I have feelings for her as I told her and I’ve tried asking her out a couple of times however, she will either not reply or saying that she will consider. She once told me that her heart is now like a stone and from my friend; I’ve found out that this is because of her previous relationship. I really like this girl and hope that it can work. Can you help me?” - X

Dear X

Her heart is like a stone, and you know as well as I do that to melt a stone requires lots of tender loving care, and not fire.

So by pushing her more, you will be making her feel more pressured which will not help at all to soften her. When one is under stress, the person will usually perform below his/her normal ability, including the capacity to love and feel.

Like my reply to C above, you can also choose one of the two options I’ve laid out.

But in your case, as you didn’t state how old both of you are, I may suggest you giving yourself a timeline for your waiting. If you’re in your late 20s or even 30s, you have to weigh how much time you have to go on waiting for her to get over her ex and move on with her life.

I know that love doesn’t come easy. It is indeed very hard to find someone you love and who loves you back. Now that you have found the first half of the equation, you should put in the effort to get the second half in place. I really understand how you are feeling now.

If you like her to get over her past faster, why not ask her to seek help from a professional? From what I see, she could be consciously hardening her heart so that she won’t have the chance to be touched by another man, which also means the opportunity to get hurt by love. She needs to do some form of healing so that she can learn to love herself again.

One who cannot love oneself will not be able to receive love, much less to love another person. So, this is very much for her, whether or not she will choose to be with you or accept your love is a seperate matter.

I believe that everyone we meet in life is a teacher to us. In your case X, there could be a purpose that you meet this lady. Maybe through her you would discover the capacity of your love and what it means by giving instead of receiving.

Let me know if you or your friend needs help. All the best to you.

 

“Hi Kloudiia,

I saw your url on The Newpaper and know that you have been giving advices on relationship matters.

I’m 26 this year and I just broke up with my 8 mths boyfriend two weeks ago. The root of the problem of our relationship is he still dreams of his ex-girlfriend (which the relationship ended 6 yrs ago and only lasted 5 mths) and he minds about my appearance though I must say that I look more outstanding than him. I don’t have a sense of security with him and can’t forsee my future with him either as he mention that he might be the sort that he can’t settle down. He’s already 33 this year. I feel that I don’t understand him as sometimes he don’t let me know where he is going and he have quite a number of gal friends. He like girls who are pretty and most importantly slim but all my friends say that I’m already quite slim. He is just a very normal average looking guy and he’s not tall. Only 1.65m in height and I’m 1.62m.

I gave him two chances but yet he still can’t overcome it. I still think of him till now and have some sleepless nights. Can this guy be trusted?

What should I do? I’m trying to find activites to enrich my life and keep me occupied but don’t know what activities I should sign up.

Need your advice on this…

Thanks..” - W
 

Dear W

You seem to have all the answers, don’t you?

Now, you are the one holding the key to this bolt that is clinching you to this man and blocking you to see your freedom.  

What needs to be in place in a man before you can trust him? Can you find all those traits in him, or not?  

In a healthy relationship, constructive feedback and encouragement should be plentiful so that you can help each other to grow and progress. Not putting one down or making your partner feel less of him/herself.  

In almost any woman’s list of criterias for a life partner, three things are always present. Security, Honesty and Stability.

You give me the feeling that these could be in your list too, am I right? If I am, then out of these three, how many has he fulfilled? You will know what I am talking about when you give this a good thought. I’m sure of this becaue you are mature enough.

You are having sleepless nights because you are choosing to think of him and refusing to let go internally. Do you still harbour any hope that he will change for you?

Women tend to have this illusion hoping that a man will change his bad habits or lifestyle or even life priorities for her, as it goes to show how special she is that when other women have tried and failed, she’s the one who made it.

If you are holding on to this false hope, I urge you not to because you are not loving yourself by doing this. Loving yourself means not putting yourself up for a chance to be harmed.

He could have some unsettled emotions inside him regarding his break-up. Maybe it’s not due to his choice, or maybe something happened which you weren’t aware of that impacted him quite a bit. Otherwise, a 5 month old relationship that was over for 6 years shouldn’t have caused all those dreams 6 years later and when he’s with someone else. But do you really want to know what happened?  Are you prepared to handle the consequence?

Enrich your life by loving yourself. If you want to keep yourself busy, signing up for activities is a good idea. It also puts you out there to make more friends and have a more fulfilling social life. You can start with your hobbies first. That’s always the easiest.

How about changing a certain part of your lifestyle just to have a refreshing start? If you aren’t into exercising, pick up one now! Yoga, swimming, gym, running, aerobics etc. Feel how it feels like to do something totally new.

You’re only 26, which means you’re in your prime W. You have the ability to make the best out of your life. What are you waiting for? Life’s wonders are beckoning you over. Leap forth now.  

 

“I’m 40years old a divorcee and still single is there any chance for me to find a partner and remarry again? Because till now I haven’t met a girl who is interested in me…. what should I do?” - W

Dear W

The fact that you have had a previous marriage before only means that you’ve had more experiences and know how to handle your next relationship even better, wouldn’t you agree?

To find someone needs time, and of course effort has to be there too. Ask yourself what have you done to look for that lady? Did you put yourself out there? Did you go to places where there will be a higher probability of bumping into a person whom you feel can share your life with you?

Do you know what type of person suits you now? If you know, then do you know what type of person she will be attracted to?

To start with, I would recommend you to download my free ebook “5 Secrets To Up Your Attraction Quotient” and to read this article on Love Beliefs 2: “No One Will Accept A Divorcee”. How you think of yourself as a person, a divorcee and a man will directly affect whether or not you will find love again.

So get yourself ready first, and when you are, she will appear.

To your second love and happiness!

 

“Is there a perfect man/woman in the world?” - J 

Dear J

What can I say? Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

Where love is present, you are the perfect woman in your partner’s eyes and heart. So does he.

But to me, finding a perfect man is not as meaningful as finding a compatible man and someone I love. What good is a perfect man to me if there is no room for both of us to work together to improve on, to seek alternatives and to venture new territories?

I’ve learnt to view imperfection as perfection itself, if there ever is such a perfect thing or person in this world.

Perfection lies in imperfection itself.

Ok friends. That’s the 5 questions from readers, asked and answered. Looks like they aren’t that short and sweet ya?

More to come. Stay tuned… And have a great weekend!

[tags]Love advice, relationship advice, divorce, second marriage, dealing with ex, girlfriend, boyfriend, perfect woman,perfect man, dating, letting go, moving on, healthy relationship, security, trust[/tags]