“Kloudiia Wonder if anyone who can help me on this…What’s your opinion on religion and relationship? My girlfriend is a Christian and I am not. She is under lots of pressure as her parents want a Christian family. I know myself well enough that I will never be a christian. Is there any way to develop further?” - AN
Dear AN
Hmm, being in an inter-faith relationship sure has its own set of challenges and issues to tackle.
You say her parents are giving her the pressure. How about herself? Is she adamant that you have to be a Christian too? If so, what is the reason for developing this relationship with you from the beginning, knowing so well that you will never be a convert?
And why are you so sure that you will never be a Christian? How can you foresee the future? I used to be anti-Christ in my younger days too, but well, nobody would have thought (especially my mom!) that I will be walking towards baptism one day in my life, which I am going to very soon! Maybe this is the torch of hope that your girlfriend is carrying that’s why she took the risk and love you despite knowing that you may not share the same faith as her afterall.
How about this.
If you really love her, why not you attend the pre-marriage preparation course with her? I’m not too sure about Christian churches, but Catholic churches provide this course called “Engagement Encounter”. It’s a compulsory course for all couples (if one of them is a baptised Catholic or both are) to go through before they can have hold their wedding in the church.
Go and see what is it about this religion that your girlfriend places so much importance in it. Go with an open mind. You don’t have to buy their teachings, but you’re there to see and understand how this religion and faith could be affecting your relationship and maybe in future, your marriage too.
Understanding it doesn’t mean accepting it. But it sure puts you in a better position to see where your girlfriend is coming from. It makes communication much easier and opens more routes to compromising as she would have seen that as a step you have taken to ease the tension and seek resolution.
Treat it as an ordinary pre-marriage preparation course. Use it to find out other values on faith, life, family, love and other areas to see how well you two fit as a couple.
Of course, I would suggest you doing this only if you do have plans to marry your girlfriend. If not, then it only means that it’s not time to worry yet, am I right?
Handle this issue between the two of you first. Let your girlfriend know how much she means to you, and you really want this to work. And if she’s on the same page as you, then she should not let her family’s opinions and wishes fall upon her and indirectly straining the relationship with you. When things are sorted out between you two, then you should go and face her family and iron things out, as a couple.
If she agree, then ask her to tell her mom or dad (or both!) to go easy on this issue for the time being as you two work things out. While you play your part and put in the effort, she has to carry out her role as well. Â
I have seen couples who don’t share the same faith and they manage to work things out. But in order for this to happen, the love must be very strong to be able to forgo this requirement. Sometimes, Christians can be quite dogmatic about this aspect I know.
So back to the old saying. If you love her, do what you can to understand where she is coming from and do not just say no to all her suggestions. When she’s giving you more information regarding her faith, just listen. Who knows, you may discover a new perspective to all those teachings yourself?
Life is full of wonders. And there is nothing that is fixed in concrete, set in stone forever.
This could well be a test for both of you.
I wish you and your girlfriend all the best AN.
Cheers, Kloudiia
[tags]faith, inter-faith relationship, love, God, Christian, Catholic, religion, marriage preparation, Engagement Encounter, life, girlfriend, boyfriend[/tags]
6 Responses
2007 Jan 30
Hi,
thks for the advice,i think i might know what when wrong. i am taking in too many negative feedback from her. I will try to wrk towards this relationship.
AN
2007 Jan 30
Just like to add that when I was in Secondary school, I punched a school mate for preaching Christianity to me and I swear to him I will never become a Christian, but lo and behold, just barely few years later, I became one.
Inter-faith relationship is very challenging to balance and maintain, if the love is not strong, there is no compromisation and understanding, neither party is willing to give in, things can really turn bad, and eventually result in a break up.
Unfortunately, so far, I have yet seen a successful inter-faith relationship that works, especially so among Christians, but rather I do have many unfortunate stories to tell.
Like Kloudiia suggested, work things our between the two of you first, only when both of you have reach consentment and agreement on the differences, then it will be easier to face her parents together. Go for the preparation course, or pre-marital counselling, go with an open mind and open heart, though I must pre-warn you that some Churches will not even proceed with the pre-marital course or counselling if they find out one of the partner is a non-believer.
Depends on Churches, I do know some Churches don’t marry couple that is of different faith. As such, this is also another aspect both of you will need to work on if she is to stay in her Church.
Also, just like to add that, inter-faith marriage is not entirely disallowed in the Bible, it’s basically strongly discouraged, for a simple reason that to save the couple from unnecessary and unwanted troubles and heartaches that follows after an inter-faith marriage.
2007 Jan 31
Very very interesting article. Something which I think I can so relate to myself. I WAS in an inter-faith relationship before and I got to admit that it was as challenging as ever keeping it going every single day. I know how AN feels.
Personally for me, no doubts in a relationship, there are so many happy times shared in between but it can never be like 100% happy because somehow at the back of your mind, you just know that the topic of faith still lingers around. It bothers me every single time thinking about it back then. Eventually, it all ended amicably. We repected each other’s decision and also each other faith’s.
Faith is such a sensitive topic to begin with and being able to last the pace in such a relationship is really a commendable effort. Nevertheless, LOVE is such a strong word which can unite so many different kinds of people together needless to say 2 loving couples. It’s hard, yes (well no one says it was gonna be easy right?). But hard as it may seem, Love knows no boundaries.
Work things out between the 2 of you first and resolve those issues. Trust me, communication is VERY important in this kinda matter. It may sound like the response to the problem is like a dampener to you AN, but no we are not trying to put you down but instead think positive. Be brave and face up to it. At the end of the day, it’s your life you’re leading and I hope you can prove us all wrong and, personally show me, that inter-faith relationship can indeed work.
Cheers.
2007 Jan 31
Hi AN, I’m glad you’ve found some clarity in your mind to know what to do next. Congrats! A clear mind will lead to a peaceful heart which means you are choosing to love your girlfriend!
Yes Bored Dad, I know some Christian churches only allow Christian couples to attend the marriage preparation. But there are some that allow, as with all Catholic churches.
Hi Sham, thanks for your first smoochie! Welcome and I hope you enjoyed your stay and keep coming back haha ;p
You’re right. Inter-faith relationship needs so much more sensitivity to manage. There are so many other issues to consider too, besides the type of wedding they will be conducting. Then again, you’ve also hit the nail on the head, that love can be the factor to gel them back and reconcile!
Let’s wish them luck.
2007 Jan 31
i understand where my situation is.maybe i thought my mind is open-up becoz i have attended another church in the past without much conviction. hence,that’s the reason why i felt that i cld never be a christian. however, even between different churches,there’s different docterine. my best bet would be that our love for each other wld be so strong that it overcome all obstacles. thks for the experience sharing
2007 Feb 01
Hmm, I’ve a church mate who shared this story with us too. So what he and his wife did was they went to different denominations (Christian) to find one that they can agree on with the teachings and the docterine.
In the end, they came to a Catholic church instead ha! Well, I’m glad that you have an open mind – that’s a big key to resolving a sensitive issue like faith you know.
Cheers!