LOVE, Kloudiia

“Dear Kloudiia

I really need your help with this one. I’ve broken off with my ex-boyfriend, B, of 3 mths in 2001. I loved him but his inexperience & insensitivity in handling a relationship became intoleratable that I had to let go. I found S in the process & took him in as a partner.

With S, it didn’t spark off as love; I just needed him to mend my broken heart. But alas, it dragged on and on. Now, I’m customarily engaged to him after almost 5 years of dating. But truthfully, I still didn’t feel for him.

I got in touch with B again last few months. He’s a changed person now, for the better I suppose. He’s more romantic and loving, the exact person I hoped he was back then. Apparently, he’s just broken off with his ex-fiancee. He came back now, hoping that I’ll be with him again. I am afterall, his first love.

I am engaged to be married to S in a year’s time, yet I’m dating B secretly the last 2 months. The guilt is killing me! My heart is still with B, but I’m wearing someone else’s ring now.

B vows to wait for me till I break this engagement off and marry him thereafter. But how can I do that to S, especially when our families are already involved! What am I do?” - D

Dear D

A marriage involves only two people – you, and your spouse. I hope you remember this to heart.

A wedding can involve more than two people. I hope you also remember this to heart.

Please don’t mix up a wedding and a marriage. Please.

I’m sorry to be very frank and tell you that you have already landed yourself in a situation where no matter which direction you turn, there will be at least 2 parties who will get hurt. One of them is you. The other could be either S, or B. Or all 3 of you.

Of course, we don’t need to be a genius to know whose hurt wll be more, S or B. But we can’t judge too, because we don’t know how deep B’s love for you is now.

You know as well as I do that you have to make a decision between them.. But before you act, I’d like you to consider some questions first.

How well do you know B, and how suited is he as your future husband? You said he’s “more romantic and loving” now, as how you would like him to be. Is this what you’re looking for in a husband? Is S someone like this, or is he that honest, reliable and stable kind of man whom every mother loves her daughter to marry to?

Only you know yourself best D.  

I know this isn’t going to be easy, but you have to keep in mind that your marriage is between you and your spouse. Your happiness lies in your own hands.

Don’t let external parties (including and especially both sides’ families) affect your decision to marry a man or not. Who’s going to be responsible for your marriage? They are not going to be sleeping with S, you are! They aren’t going to live with him for the rest of their lives, you are! They aren’t going to start a family and raise children with him, you are!

So, you and only you have the right to make this decision. It’s your marriage. It’s your life.

Love on the rebound works for some couples, but mostly they fail. Because they simply patched back based on the emotions they felt then, rather than looking at why they broke up and if those differences can be reconciled and won’t pose as a problem for the future.

If you are certain that your love for each other (you and B) is actually stronger now than before, and you two are committed to making it work, then you already have the answer isn’t it?

What you need now is the courage. Because you don’t want to hurt S, that’s why you dare not tell him the truth. But what you’re doing now behind his back is hurting him more than you know.

I know the guilt is killing you too, because you aren’t a person who toy with people’s feelings. So, be brave and settle the issue nicely with S. You have to face this sooner or later. Unless you decide to go ahead with your wedding and choose to love this man who was there for you at a time when you needed him.

Can you do that, and just bury your feelings for B deep in your heart, never to be dug out or let known to anyone else? Memories can be nice too.

If you can’t, then just do what you need to do, asap.

Love is not just about having that intense desire and emotions for someone. It also means to have the courage to own up to your heart and your actions. 

Do not involve the families at all during this time now. They only need to be informed when the decision is made, between you and S. Remember this, for you don’t need such extra pressure when your shoulders and arms are already full with enough load to handle.

One last bit of advice – there are couples who fantasize about their exes after they’ve broken up, and how much happier they will be if only he/she does this instead of that, if they were going to patch back. Thus they entered into this made-believe world living in their own illusions, until reality sets in and gives them a rude wake up call. I hope you aren’t blinded by such fantasies, and to really see if he is the changed man like you said he is.

Let me know if you need more help. All the best to you D.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, relationship advice, engagement, fiance, ex boyfriend, patch back, dating & relationships, love and marriage, families, guilt[/tags]