LOVE, Kloudiia

“Hi Kloudia,

I am in love with a married man. Though it’s mistake that should have never taken place, it wasn’t easy for me either. As much as his wife is hurt over the affair, I am equally tormented over the whole affair. If loving someone hurts so much, I wouldn’t have started. But now I have found him, it’s so difficult to let him go. But deep down inside my heart, I know someday we are going to part.” - J 

Dear J

Loving someone can be the best thing to happen to anybody. Yet, love can bring one heartaches too.

This is really a vulnerable time for you. It’s like having your guilt eating at you on one hand, while on the other you can’t help to be jealous whenever his wife calls or you know he’s at home being a husband and maybe father

Well, there’s no use to cry over spilled milk now, because there isn’t any time machine in real life to bring you back to the time before you fell in love with him. You can’t turn back the clock. 

So from what you are saying, his wife has knowledge that you existed? How did she react? Did she make things difficult for you? Did she make any form of contact with you? Whether she did or didn’t, how has that affected you? 

How did he react? Are you still seeing each other regularly, or has such meetings stopped or reduced after his wife found out about your relationship? How did his reactions towards this matter affect you in any way?

J, I know that love by itself has no wrongs. But when things become complicated like this, then you will have to ask yourself a few questions to see which route you are going to take from now on.

You “know somehow you are going to part” yet “it’s so difficult to let him go”. 

Does this mean you know he will never part with his wife and leave his family? Or you will never be the one to ask him to leave his wife to be with you because you can’t bear to do so? If so, even if its hard to let him go, then its just a matter of time that you need to, isn’t it?

Letting someone you once loved go (and may still love at the point of letting go) is truly hard. Regardless whether he is married or not, but to have to tell yourself that you need to stop loving this person and to accept the fact that there are no longer any relations and connections between you and him takes a lot of courage and faith that you can do it.

This can be a very painful stage you have to go through. If you are afraid of going through this and would like to postpone it as long as you can by continuing this relationship with him, then I would like to ask you to ask yourself the next question.

Is this worth it?

We fall in love uncontrollably. But we choose to love someone consciously and willingly. It is a decision made with clarity in your mind and peace in your heart. Falling in love is a decision made out of dizziness, rashness and that one that leaves you wanting to do nothing more but to be with the person every minute of the day. It is not a decision because there are no considerations or deliberations going on in your head. You merely took the plunge where your heart is leading to.

Why did I say loving someone is a choice? Because with that choice comes with responsibility, commitment and the giving of yourself. There is a price attached to loving.

Imagine yourself going shopping now. You spotted a very beautiful dress. You fall in love with it on the spot, and immediately you begin to visualise yourself wearing that dress looking stunning. You run ideas in your head on what accessories can go with it to accentuate the effect when you’re wearing it, what type and colour of shoes, what type of hairdo, handbag should you carry etc.

The more you visualise yourself in that dress, the more you feel that dress is made just for you! It’s as if the designer had YOU in mind when designing it. And guess what? The dress is probably shouting out to you “Buy me, buy me! I’ll definitely make you look very pretty! You will be the centre of attention if you wear me to parties, I promise! You won’t regret. Only I have this power to transform you into the most attractive lady”

So there you are, staring at this exquisite piece of fashion. Then you stretch out your hand and do something which you always did before making the final decision to buy or not. You look at the price tag. To your dismay, you realise it says a figure that just looks more than normal to you. It is an astronomical amount of money!

All of a sudden, there’s this little voice inside your head talking to you. It tells you “Are you sure you want to spend so much money? Why not look around for other dresses? Though they aren’t as nice, but you’ll look good in them too, if only you pay more attention to look closer. Your mom is getting lethargic easily nowadays, perhaps it’s time to bring her for a medical checkup?”

So now, you have two choices.

One is to merely stand there and admire this piece of fashion, knowing well that you will certainly look nice in it as it has the perfect cut to accentuate your curves and the perfect colour to flatter your skin tone. But you know buying it  means paying a high price for it. And you are not prepared to pay that price because inside you, you know it’s not worth it. There will surely be another dress that comes along which will equally make you look gorgeous but is something you can well afford. You may not find it at that time, but it will surely come.

Two is to buy that dress and don’t think of anything else.  You’re willing to pay the price for it and you feel it’s worth it. Whatever you need to forego because of this purchase doesn’t bother you because you want to have that shot of glamour.  Though you may feel a tinge of guilt as you may need to postpone your mom’s checkup as you save up, this purchase is still worth it.

This is only a metaphor I’m using here to illustrate my point to you J.

You have the freedom of choice, but in using that freedom I hope you can be truthful to yourself.

You know his wife was hurt. Do you realise she’s not the only one? Are there any children in their marriage? If there are, the children will be hurt too.

Most importantly, do you realise you’re also hurt? I’m sure you feel very hurt and sometimes shameful and guilty that you actually allowed yourself to fall in love with someone whom you know you shouldn’t, yet you did. What I’d like to tell you is do not be ashamed of yourself. You are just a woman who has the capability to love. There’s nothing shameful to give your love to someone.

So in this case, you have to make the choice yourself. Since you are feeling so tormented now, why not give yourself a short mental and emotional break? Go for a short escapade. If you can afford it (time and money wise), I’d suggest you to leave the country and use that time to really calm down and relax. When you are too distressed and pressured, you won’t be able to make a clear and wise decision.

During the holiday, clear out your mind and think of what you want for yourself. Ask him not to contact you and vice versa. You don’t need such additional distractions do you? Remember, you must love yourself before anyone can love you. So if you love yourself so much, what is it you want for yourself?

Do you want to continue loving him in such a manner where you will continue to feel hurt whenever you think of his wife (and possibly children) who’s hurting too, or do you want to give yourself this chance to find a man whom you can love wholeheartedly and he the same for you?

Before I end, there is a post I’ve written about a woman who’s in a similar situation as you. You may like to read my opinions on her issue too as a reference – Love Advice: “In Love With A Married Man” 

Be strong J. Have faith in yourself and I hope you will continue to believe in love. Love is still the most beautiful thing that can ever happen to anyone in this world.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]affair, in love, married man, extra-marital, hurt, emotions, marriage, relationship, troubled, tormented, break up, emotional pain, strength[/tags]