LOVE, Kloudiia

I’m engaged to a lady of my dream. She is very pretty, sexy, tall and she is the kind of lady every guys are proud to show off to their friends. But this pride of mine hurt me tremendously.

I found out that she was having affairs behind my back. She had a total of 3 affairs and 3 one-night stands. All this happened when we are together. To make matter worse, one of her affairs happened to be a friend of mine while the other was her friend’s boyfriend.

I was so devastated and began to question her which she confessed. And if these affairs and flings are not hurtful enough, she confessed that she DID NOT practice safe sex except her last one-night stand.

Seeing her crying and begging for forgiveness, I forgave her. But the incident keeps repeating in my mind and I just cannot get rid of it. It really affects my mood and work. What should I do?” - JL

Dear JL

What do you think you like to do?

The fact that you forgave her only means you love her deeply, and hence you are willing to give her and this relationship another chance. She is one sure lucky lady I must say.

Am I right? Did you forgive her because you genuinely love her so much that you can absolve all her “previous crimes” of infidelity?

Or are you still hooked to idea of having a trophy fiancee whereby you can flaunt and be proud of?

I don’t know. Do you?

I’m not sure if you’re writing in to ask me if you should continue to be engaged to her and proceed with the marriage in the near future, or are you hoping to find a solution that will help you to forget the unhappy past.

If it’s the former, only you have the answer. I believe what I’ve said before this had given you some food for thought.

If it’s the latter, well, I would suggest you not to be too hard on yourself for now. Forgetting is a process. It’s not a one-night achievement. In fact, our brains are not wired to forget. It’s wired to remember. We can let it slip off our minds when we aren’t focusing on it, but to say that we can totally forget about it, it’s akin to declaring that event has never, ever happened.

Hence, rather than saying you want to forget about it (unless you induce selective amnesia in which you conveniently choose to forget certain parts of your lives which have proven to be too painful to retain in memory), why not say you choose not to think about it?

Our mind has an unimaginable power to imagine. Are you seeing pictures of her unfaithful activities in your head? Do they look and seem real? Are you constantly playing this movie in your head so much so that it is affecting your mood to work or function?

If they are, then you know as well as I do that your imagination can bring you to anywhere you want to go. It’s as good or as bad as it gets. If you can conjure those images up, you too can wipe them off in one good sweep.

Our thoughts affect our emotional state. Therefore, if you don’t want to be so pertubed by it, change your thoughts. Swap that negative picture into something more resourceful, something that inspires and motivates you. 

Think of a picture that you like to see, and use your vivid imagination to make it as real as you can and as appealing as possible. Each time when your mind shows you the negative picture, replace it with the happy one. Mentally rehearse this exercise, each time increasing the speed and rate at which you replace the picture, until the instant you thought of something you don’t wish to recall, you’ll be looking at a bright and hopeful future you’ve painted for yourself.

If you aren’t seeing as much as you are feeling, you still can do this same exercise and replace that lousy feeling with a useful emotion. Test this method out and please let me know if it works for you. There are other approaches we can take if this don’t deliver the results. Our love coaching program can take care of that.

Having done this, I hope you realise that we are merely scraping the surface of the problem. The real issue here is, have you really forgiven her - truly, unreservedly and completely?

Because as much as you can erase those scenes from your mind, can you brush away those marks in your heart?  

Forgiving someone means you totally release any form of unhappiness and grudges you hold against her, and yourself. It’s a total release. Once you have forgiven someone, you should be in a state of peace. Even if you still think of it, your heart no longer feels as heavy.

If you have the capacity to forgive her in the first place, you will have an even bigger capacity to let it go.

Can you do this now? If not now, how about the future?

Again, I don’t know. Do you?

Lastly, as with any other couples, I would suggest them to have a medical check-up and be cleared of any transmittable disease (especially if your partner has had previous sexual acts) before they get sexually active. It’s a personal responsibility you have towards yourself.

In your case, although it may sound quite absurd, but I too urge you and her to do a check. Do bear in mind that certain viruses have an incubation of 6 months, so you may like to take note of this.

Well, whatever the outcome will be is entirely in your control JL, if only you allow your conscious and unconscious mind to help you.

All the best to you.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, relationship advice, fiancee, affairs, one-night stand, engagement, forgive and forget, dating & relationships, safe sex, unfaithful, infidelity, cheating[/tags]