LOVE, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

For as long as I can remember I have been shy. I am shy around new people, in a new place, in a new situation, and shy around women. I am excessively shy! I really haven’t had too many dates in my life; High School Prom, two in college, and 1 set up for me by a friend. My shyness is getting in the way of meeting people and having people get to know and like me. What can I do to get over my shyness? Some people say that I should force myself to go to a club or bar and talk to people but that is like telling the fat man not to eat a twinkie in my opinion. Any suggestions would be great, thanks so much.” - R

Dear R

Now, you have to help me out here a bit too, will you?

What is the process of meeting people and making new friends?

I am really curious, for obviously you do have friends, don’t you? So do these friends come along as a package with your birth, or did they started off as total strangers and somehow along the way, your shyness didn’t prevent you from breaking the ice?

How did that happen? How did you manage to break the ice and talk to them? Did they make the first approach? How did you react? What were you feeling then and what was going on in your mind?

Answer these questions to yourself.

All I want to do is to show you how fine you are doing now when you are interacting with people, especially with those whom you already knew.

But you aren’t satisfied with being fine. You want to be better, isn’t it so?

To be better, all it takes is to duplicate that exact same state and apply it when you’re saying “Hi, my name is R” to a person for the first time!

Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

Well the truth is, it can be as easy or as hard as you make it out to be.

For as long as you can remember, you have been shy. Maybe you have been remembering those moments in your life when you were too shy too well, and you have forgotten about the other times when you weren’t!

Come on R, there had to be such moments, otherwise where do you get all your current friends from?

How about this. Let’s do a simple exercise together. For the next 7 days, forget about how you used to talk and interact with strangers. Then install a better memory in your brain cell.

I want you to recall the last time when you felt totally comfortable with yourself in the presence of someone else. Be it a family member, a colleague, a close friend, or just school mates. How did you feel then? What were you doing? Did the person you were with do anything to make you feel at ease? Or did you merely relax and be yourself?

So, your job is to do whatever it takes to remember this feeling and that particular moment. If it helps, you can include all the details in the mental picture you see – the exact person you were with, setting, environment, atmosphere, sitting position, your gestures, tonality, facial expression etc. Even the outfit you wore on that day.

Keep replaying this image or movie in your mind for as many times as is required to commit to memory. Make sure it is imprinted so deeply that it seems as if it just happened a day ago. Or even better, make it feel as if it happened a second ago!

Once you’ve done that, begin to feel that great anticipation bubbling inside you, and you know you can’t wait to stop the first person you meet and put that into practice.

And now, it’s magic time!

In the blink of an eye, you can put yourself in that exact mental setting, with the same emotion going through you, and speak to a person just like that. Whether or not she is a stranger, or a lady who caught your attention as she walks past you, you have no problems in saying that first sentence “Hi, my name is R” so fluently and effortlessly that you may even begin to wonder how can you get her mobile phone on the spot!

Test this out with a person or two, before moving on to a mini group of about three to four people.

When you’re totally comfortable, going to pubs and meeting the glances of hundreds of people won’t pose as a challenge to you anymore. What’s the big deal? Anyway, nobody really look at anybody in the eye in places like that. Not when it’s so dark.

What I’ve shown you is but one of the methods to overcome shyness. The most crucial part is actually not the skill, though you do need this for sure, but is the desire in you to want to be socially active and smooth.

How badly do you want to make this work?

If you are really serious about this, we can work out something in my love coaching program to help you achieve your goal in this aspect.

Because there could be some other factors that can attribute to you being so awfully shy, and we can tackle those issues or see how to go around and still achieve your goal.

One last thing to note is this: why are you so shy about speaking with people? I’m sure you are aware of another critical principle component in making friends, but maybe, just maybe it had slipped your mind as you have been focusing on your shyness to speak too much.

This critical component is none other than the need to listen.
Which is what you should be doing too! Who says you need to be constantly yakking away? Aren’t we all being taught to be great listeners?

So why can’t you start with asking some questions and truly listen, in a bid to get to know them better? Be genuinely sincere, and listen attentively.

With listening skills like that, I can’t help but wonder how popular you will be and how many girls will be delighted to have your company.

And by the way, any suggestion is useless unless and until you decide to take those suggestions and act on them to see the results.

Lastly, not to make you feel better, but if it does then great! Have you ever realised that those new people you meet could be equally as shy and nervous as you? Why not? We all are, when we are around people whom we don’t know. So, the next time, you can tell yourself that she is probably just hiding her anxiety, maybe it helps to calm you down. Who knows!
All the best R.

Sincerely, Kloudiia

P.S Oh, how do you know telling the fat man not to take the twinkie is hard? Have you ever asked one before? Again, you never know until you ask, or do.

[tags]love advice, shy, social life, social skills, communication, interaction, dating, attraction, eye contact, listening[/tags]