LOVE, Kloudiia

We are actually quite opposites when it boils down to our personalities. He is comfortable with crowds and is a social butterfly, while I’m not. I always felt so uncomfortable trying to make small talks with his family and extended relatives. He is a family-orientated person. Me on the other hand, came from a small family and does not have strong family bonds.

I am expected to move in with my in-laws after marriage, which really dreads me. I want a place of my own but he rejected, almost immediately. This disagreement lead to a cold war for 3 days, which nearly caused us to break up. I gave in to his desires though this decision is not reached mutually.

We will always disagree over little things , usually with me ended up hurt with his insensitive words. I never told him about this. We usually do not talk about it again after each quarrel. but deep down, I knew problems were always there, we kinda just let it past us.

I just find it hard to communicate with him sometimes. Or, should I said afraid. But if I fear this relationship, it does not make sense for me to continue to be in it, right?

But I know I do have feelings for him, since we had already been together for so long. he is my first serious boyfriend. I want this relationship to work out but do not know how to…” - S

Dear S

You seem to have all the answers in your head, though not in your heart. That’s why you are so confused. Let’s see what we can do here, shall we?

Opposite personalities do not go a long way to determine how happy you will be as a couple. But how you handle those differences and how you communicate your needs to each other matters.

Your boyfriend sounds like a male chauvinist to me. I may be wrong, of course. But if I am right, then are you someone who can live with him having the final say over most things?

I guess you’re experiencing both the good and bad sides of this relationship. While he brings you on his trips and holidays, he also have the reins in most matters, including one that involves both of you and shouldn’t be bull-dozed through by one party, like staying with the in-laws or not when you’re married.

In my opnion, a couple should make it a point to have a good discussion so that both parties’ views and opinions are aired and heard before a decision is made. And it has to be a mutually-agreeable one in order to have harmony in the relationship.

Compromising is good when the intention is to have peace and harmony, and done as an act of love. But please bear in mind too that compromising is only a temporary solution to a bigger problem that cannot be resolved over one or two discussions. You cannot be always giving in to his wishes while he doesn’t take care to attend to your needs. If this goes on forever, you’ll be at risk in developing an unhealthy relationship where one party has complete control and power over the other.

You may like to read this post I wrote some time back on the signs of an unhealthy versus a healthy relationship - How To Know If A Relationship Is Healthy.

Why are you withholding vocalising your hurt to your boyfriend when what he said had indeed cut your heart? Because you are afraid of voicing out and hence making him more upset or even risk losing him?

You already knew if fear is the factor, then something is terribly wrong in your relationship.

I have a few questions for you S, hope you can mull over them before answering yourself truthfully. Some brutal honesty may be required here.

1. Are you okay with him making all the decisions, or at least the major ones and you follow suit? Or are you someone who like to be a part of the deliberation process before making any final conclusions? How important is this to you?

2. If after telling him how hurt you feel each time he said those insensitive words and he changed for the better, will it make you much happier in this relationship? Will it remove most of the doubts you have on him and your impending marriage?

3. Have you two shared your values in life with each other? Values on love, family, money, career, health etc. Are they complementary, or conflicting? You need not hold the exact same values, but if the critical ones have too wide a variance, are you able to accept that?

4. Finally, if he is NOT your first boyfriend, how would you have handled this differently?

I’m glad you sent me this email and you took the step to clear your doubts before really moving in to sign the legal papers of marriage. This only means you respect the marriage constitution and you are committed to keeping the marriage vows you are about to take. You want your marriage to work, I’m sure. All of us do.

It’s then about marrying the right man for you. Is he the right one? Answer those questions and you should have a clearer direction.

In life, there could be some decisions that are pretty hard to make, and even harder to stand firm on them and pull through. Do not let this affect how you should make your choice in your marriage partner S. Happiness lies in our own hands, and you are the one carrying the wand now.

If you need a personalised coaching program to help you through this cloud of confusion and anxiety, please feel free to let me know and I’ll see how I can help you.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, relationship advice, in-laws, love and marriage, dating & relationships, boyfriend, ROM, first love, first boyfriend, communication, fear, healthy relationship, unhealthy relationship, harmony, family, values[/tags]