LOVE, Kloudiia

“Dear Kloudiia,

I’m in a relationship with a married man whom marriage is on the rock…. Should I continue this relationship because he’s giving me commitments?” - L

 

Dear L

You must be feeling very torn and confused now, aren’t you? While you like to believe him, on another hand you can’t be too sure as he is still legally married.

I understand this must be a torment you are going through. Are you even thinking why is this happening to you? Why can’t you be happily in love like everyone else, and why must you fall for a married man?

Well L, the fact that you are sending me this email only means there is this little voice inside you whispering not to go with your heart and continue this relationship. As I have too little information from your mail so what I can do here is to ask you a few questions and give you some general advice for you to think through.
 
You said he gave you commitments. What type of commitments are they? Is it a promise that he will leave his wife to be with you? Did he give you a timeline, or did he just say he will do it and ask you to give him time? Has he started the divorce proceedings already?

How much do you know about his marriage and him? Does he have any children? When he says his relationship with his wife is bad, how bad is bad? Are they still having sex? Or is it only because they aren’t having as much as he wants that’s why he is looking elsewhere? Has he done what he need to salvage his marriage, or is he purely avoiding the issues by diverting his attention away?

You see, there are really a host of reasons why a marriage is heading downhill. Some of the differences are really too hard to reconcile and that’s where divorce comes in. However, before you know enough, do not take his commitments as real hard core words of assurance. It could be just an empty promise.

Being involved in such a relationship can be very heart-wrenching. I’m sure you don’t feel good whenever he is with his family and you’re alone. Love is selfish. We can’t tolerate someone else in between us and our partner. That’s also the beauty of a monogamous relationship. It gives you the security that your partner belongs to you, and you only.

You may not like to hear this, but since you emailed me I’m assuming one part of you want to hear some bitter truth. Before his marriage is over, you will be seen as the third party. This status is not giving you the fairness you should have.

Ask yourself these questions. Can you be nonchalent about that fact that you can only be a kept secret from his life, meaning his friends, colleagues and everyone around him? Are you cool about those times when he has to fulfill his duty and responsibility as a husband, and possibly a father? Are you ok with the fact that you can never be his first priority in his life until and unless his marriage is officially over? 

What is it you are looking for in a relationship that this married man is able to provide? Is it the good companionship he can give? Is it the kind of sensitivity he has that he can mind read and know you better than all your single guy friends?

What are the things you want in a relationship that he can’t provide? Like time, priority and security etc. Compare this list with those he can. Which ones are more important to you?

Answer this honestly.

I’m sorry L, if you are hoping for a support to continue this relationship I’m afraid I cannot give. By telling you to go ahead means I am indirectly causing a marriage to break up (for we really don’t know how bad the marriage is do we?). It also means I am abetting you to put your real happiness aside by allowing this man to put you on the sidebar on an undefined period of time.

I hope you can get more information from him as soon as possible to ascertain how sincere he is towards you. I know of men who claimed their marriages are on the rocks to get easy access to unsuspecting girls. It is the easiest way to get their trust and sympathy. But when things get too serious and they know they can’t fulfill their promises, they dropped the bombshell that they can’t leave their wives because she is pregnant. I am not making this up, it is true.

If he truly loves you, he will be able to understand the kind of stress and misery he is putting you through and he will want to end it as soon as he can (meaning settle things with his wife so that you two can be known officially as a couple). If he is only looking for a fling, then you will see his decision soon after you start asking him those questions. These are signals telling him that you are serious and if he is too, he will stick around. If he isn’t, he won’t take long to flee.

I’m not sure you if have told anyone about this. I would suggest you speak to someone whom you can truly trust. Whether or not this person is a family member doesn’t matter . The most important thing is this person must be one who knows you well enough. You need lots of support to go through this period. A good patient listening ear and a shoulder to cry on can just be that light you need in the midst of darkness.

Finally, if you need more advice you know where and how to contact me.

All the best to you L. Wishing you peace and happiness.

Love, Kloudiia.

[tags]Marriage,Relationship,Marrried man[/tags]