LOVE, Kloudiia

“Dear Kloudiia,

I am madly in love with this guy and he’s married and has a 2-year-old daughter. I met him about three and a half years ago. We started off as friends and I uncontrollably fell in love with him after knowing him for one year. I was painfully and secretly in love with him for the next two years and things changed about 5 months ago. He started to tell me that he had feelings for me and encouraged me to say what was on my mind too. I always suspected that he always knew how I feel about him cos for the past two years, I have done everything for him that I possibly could. And that would make things pretty obvious to him but he maybe just play dumb about it. One thing you should know is that we work together in a company and he is my supervisor. I am his best friend, or so he said and we are seated very close to each other at work.

Ok back to 5 months ago when our relationship get started. We kissed and things got a little intimate, but we didn’t have sex. I was so happy and feels like dream came true at first when this just happened. He told me a lot of sweet things that made me couldn’t sleep at night. Then the bitter side of the whole thing came out of the sweet surface. I couldn’t stand the moments when he left me for his wife and daughter. I couldn’t stand the nights and weekends when he’s not with me and I know he has to fulfill his duty to be a husband and father. The weird thing is that he is happily married. He always say how good his wife is and how cute his daughter is. It seems he doesn’t care about us and doesn’t care about my feelings.

Sometimes I wondered why he had to let me say my feelings for him out in the open when he doesn’t even care. I’ve never felt this painful in my life even when I was just secretly in love with him. If my feelings were left unspoken, I guess I wouldn’t have felt the way I’m feeling now and It would have been so much easier. I feel like I’m just optional in his life and he is putting me on the sidebar. Why is he doing this? To stroke his ego? I make myself numerous promises to stop thinking about him, but I couldn’t. I cried, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t focus, couldn’t do anything when he’s not around. After all these agonies I felt for him, everytime I see him, I forgot all the pains and I fell for him again head over heels. I hated myself for this, but I couldn’t control myself for being such a fool. I told him about how painfully i felt, guess what, he said he could make things easier for me if I wanted to end this relationship, like not talking to me as much, or him transferring to a different department.

I know nothing can become of this relationship, I know that, I know everything. But I couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. So I stick around. Painfully as I am, I stick around, let him torture my heart and my soul. He made things very clear, that this is all I wanted, he is totally ok with what we have now, that letting me go is totally ok with him, or we can keep doing what we are doing (secretly seeing each other and be together). His attitude is driving me crazy. Before all this started, he said he was afraid to lose me and ruin our friendship. Now he’s acting like he doesn’t care, yet he made it clear that it is all my decision as to where I wanted to go with this relationship.

I want to be with him every minute every day and forever! Can’t he see this in my eyes? I’m so tired, I cry everyday everynight, yet I can’t let him go. I know it would have been easier if I don’t see him everyday but reality plays a harder role on me. I have to go to work and see him and act normal when my heart is bleeding and aching inside of me. Kloudiia, please tell me what to do, I can’t talk to anyone cos this is our secret I can’t risk to destroy his reputation at work. I have so much more to say about him and I, yet I can’t say it all at one time. I’m just new to this site and don’t know how you are gonna respond to me. But I hope you can reply to me to my email. Thank you so much and I will be waiting anxiously…” - L

Dear L

A man convinced against his own will, is of the same opinion still.

I’m sure you’ve heard of this famous quote, haven’t you?

Do you realise that this is happening to you right now? In your case, it is you who are attempting to convince yourself.

Your heart is willing to be with him, your mind knows you should leave. Hence as your mind convinces your heart to leave him against your heart’s will, what does that leave you? 

Almost every one who has fallen in love with someone who is unavailable faces exactly the same dilemna. Maybe in different magnitude, but that’s about it.

In your case, I feel that he has made it very easy for you to make your decision, as he has so overtly showed he is one happily married man since he isn’t embarrassed to declare his happiness to you nor attempt to hide his marital bliss from you. You know, you should consider yourself lucky. Because there are so many women who are hanging there dearly, waiting for the married man to give them a clear indication of whether they will have a future or not! (Read about two such examples here: Case 1, Case 2)

And this man is telling you right in the face: “I won’t leave my wife for you. I can be with you for as long as you like. Having you don’t hurt, and not having you is ok for me too.”

He has made things so easy for you. It’s so crystal clear!

Then why are you doing everything you can to make things difficult for yourself? Why, L? Why are you inflicting so much pain, hurt and ache on your heart?

Why does a man who is happily married with a cute daughter want to get involved with another woman? To add variety and excitement in his life? To test how attractive he still is? He sure has his own agenda perfectly satisfied, from what I see.

I know you know all these, in fact, you may be even clearer than me where do you stand in his heart, if you ever have a place at all.

You ask me to tell you what to do. I really wish I can. Because if I can, I will tell you what your head, and I’m certain all the other readers here, will tell you – PLEASE LEAVE HIM NOW! Alas, even if I shout my lungs out, I still can’t make you do what you don’t want to do.

Because you are giving your heart 101% permission to rule your mind, body and soul. 

Therefore, I won’t convince you to leave this man, because I know you already knew what you should do but you aren’t willing to do it. This means, only you have the power to tell yourself what to do. I can’t, I’m sorry.

Are you using this power to get you what you want in life? Is your heart capable of making the best decision now? One that is for your best interest? 

If you cannot stand not having his presence during weekends and when he is with his family, doesn’t that mean you can’t share your man with another woman? We all want to be able to love someone whole-heartedly, and to receive the same unreservedly, without having to share or fight for his affections.

Then why are you fighting with his wife?

Do you feel you don’t deserve a man for yourself? If you think you do, then you surely are ill-treating yourself too much now.

It’s about self-worth L. Everyone will tell you to leave him, not only because he’s married, but also because he’s giving you more misery than happiness!

Again, I won’t tell you what to do. But I will give you one suggestion you can consider, if and when you want to do something different from what you have been doing for the past 3 1/2 years.

Will you resign and leave the company? I know this may not work on everyone, but reality has shown that it does work on most people and situations.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Take this one step at a time. I believe you deserve to enjoy love at its fullest and in its truest form. But you must first grant yourself the permission to do this, in a permissible and conducive environment.

Can I invite you to share this belief with me too? Starting from this very moment as you are reading this?

Take a moment to digest this and let this belief sink in.

Leaving him will cause you lots of pain. You will feel as if your heart has been pierced. To make matters worse, you may be imagining how happy he is with his wife and daughter while you agonise over the fact of losing him. This will result in even more pain.

Bear in mind you are the only one bearing this pain, alone. Because to him, there’s no loss. Remember this L.

Staying will bring you even more anguish. Imagine the kind of wretchedness you will feel when you leave him. Multiply it by at least two times, and extend it by the duration for as long as you haven’t made up your mind. That’s the extent of damage you can expect to inflict on yourself with each passing day you choose to remain with him.

Because you get to enjoy the presence of him and the feeling of being in love while concurrently experience the torture of knowing you don’t really have him to you and you will never be with him for long and ultimately, you still have a decision to make. Such extreme emotions is the real killer. Yes, it is THAT painful. Can you take it? For how long can you endure this kind and level of pain?

Last but not least, in my opinion, leaving him will not be any loss to you. Because you have never owned him in the first place to be able to lose him.

You have a decision to make L. I know you will make the wisest choice.

I wish you all the best.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, relationship advice, extra-marital affair, infidelity, unfaithful, married man, love and marriage, in love, wife, family, third party[/tags]