LOVE, Kloudiia

“Dear Kloudiia,

I am 18 and my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs is 23. He had just came back from his overseas study of a year. Ever since he is back, he had not been replying me frequently. Partly due to not having a phone line. I can only contact him by emails. I felt that he is kind of ‘inviting’ distance between us and it weighs my heart down. I asked him whether he felt the distance and he said maybe and that he just feels like being alone sometimes. I really don’t know what to do now. I still love him very much and i think he still do. Do you think our relationship is over or that he just wants some space? Is there any way to win his attention back again?” - Y

Dear Y

When one comes from overseas it takes some time to settle down properly. I can fully understand how your boyfriend feels now when he said he “needs space”.

Although one year is not too long relative to those who spent at least 3-5 years to complete their education, but it is long enough to suffer from some “culture shock” during the initial days of homecoming.

I can relate to how he is feeling because I used to work and stayed alone overseas too for more than a year.

Is your boyfriend staying with his family now that he’s back? I’m assuming here that he does.

You know, when you are have been away for so long, taking care of yourself and most importantly having all the freedom and space (personal space and living space), to pull yourself out from that freedom and to be plugged into a family setting can be quite upsetting. On top of that, if he studied at a country where there are seasonal changes in weather, he may need to get used to our humid and warm tropical weather here.

His craving for space can hence be understood. Imagine yourself who used to have a whole house to you and now your so-called personal space is only restricted within the four walls which you call your room. If he has siblings, he may even need to share that space with someone. Really, it can cause a lot of discomfort.

The amount of time he needs to get used to the new setting depends on how fast his adaptability is. Rather than worrying about how to get his attention now, why not leave him alone, then find a time to sit down and let him know your concern?

Since he doesn’t have a phone line (why is this so?), will there be any issues to get a temporary prepaid mobile line so that communication can be easier achieved?

It’s perfectly normal that you would feel that something is amiss between both of you and to worry about your relationship. Share how you feel with him. At the same time, do empathise with how he’s feeling now and be understanding. Tell him that you understand he needs space, and you will give it to him too.

What’s the difference between giving him the freedom and space but keeping quiet versus telling him? By telling him, you are keeping the communication channels open, and you’re also letting him know you are doing your best to help him readapt to his life now.

On the other hand, keeping quiet may give him the wrong idea that you can’t be bothered with him right now and he’s left to his own devices, which obviously isn’t the case.

Give your boyfriend time, he will revert to his normal self when he has adapted to the environment and surroundings here. Meanwhile, during your communication with him, let him know that while you are giving him the space to be alone, you too need to stay connected to him. Let him know you would like him to stay in touch with you, so that you can know he’s well. But he don’t have to do that, he only do it if he wishes to. So he’s given a choice. If he does it, let him know it means a lot to you. If he doesn’t then you shouldn’t demand he call you everyday too.

When he’s out of this confusing situation that was brought about by the “culture shock” of moving back here, he will snap to his normal self in no time.

Be patient, and understanding will ya, Y?

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, relationship advice, homecoming, study overseas, boyfriend, girlfriend, dating & relationships, anxiety, education, communication, care, concern, culture shock[/tags]