LOVE, Kloudiia

I’m 24 going 25 and there’s this colleague whom I have since fallen for and she is 5 years my senior. Started to think it may just a phase, but then I cant seem to let her out of my mind. I took everything about her meticulously, like I’m all prepared to be there if she ever needs my help or stuff like that.

But then again, I have been wooing her for 6 months now, and my colleagues and friend who were supportive intially has now gone on to tell me to give it up as she is unreceptive.

It is true that in an ideal situation, age is not a barrier if you really love each other. But then I am faced all these problems.

1) She’s at the age of settling down, dating for a year or two and get married, surely she wouldnt consider some guy who is definitely younger.

2) From the looks of it, she would’ve thought I am unstable and unable to care for her, not in terms of material, but in terms of financial, mental maturity.

3) I, being colleague with her, and me having lost my balls ever since falling for her, has developed a fear of a lot of things for her if I proceeded to go after her. Like if she doesn’t like me, would work relationship be affected, fear of rejection, fear of being avoided.

Up till lately, I’ve been super duper down… cos I know I don’t stand a chance anymore, and the fact everyone around me telling me she’s seeing someone now. I feel exhausted, lost and everything. The fact that I see her everyday, and the fact I thought I stood a chance made me feel very lost right now.

I don’t know how to put into words many more thoughts of mine, but I am feeling really terrible right now. Tell me what I should do?” - S

Dear S

You’re right in many thoughts. I’m glad you can spare a thought for her in terms of what she could be looking for and want from a relationship at her age. This to me reflects a certain degree of maturity.

I wonder if you’ve shown this side of you to her before?

Since you already knew what her concerns are, have you ever communicated to her how you will be dealing with those issues? I’m not sure how did you woo her these 6 months, and what did you do for her.

If you were doing all the fanciful stuff and her reaction was lukewarm, then obviously you have been barking up the wrong tree.

How about showing your sincerity through other ways, like addressing issues that are close to her heart? You’re right, a woman who is 30 years old will be planning to settle down. Hence, what they are looking for in a man is not how much fun he can bring her, but how much sincerity, truthfulness, stability, level of maturity and whether he is willing and able to commit now.

Of course, even if you posess all those traits, the one thing that must be present is also the one thing that could be hardest to achieve – love.

Whether or not she likes you is a big question mark. Have you officially tell her you like her yet, or are you hoping that she would sense it from your “courtship”? If you haven’t, then what is stopping you from doing so?

At least you have clearly and vividly told her your feelings and at the same time, you can test how she feels for you too.

You “losing your balls” is certainly not a good sign of confidence and stability in a man. If you can’t even handle this internal fear, which to me is something that you made it up yourself and allowed it to manifest to such a great extent, then how are you able to handle those awkward situations you will face, and those stress from your family (and hers) and relatives when you are a couple? 

It shows your insecurity, and you can’t blame her for linking this to your age and the amount of life experience you have.

What I’m saying is this – where love is concerned, there are indeed no age barriers.

However, when reality is concerned, and when she’s clear of what she wants in a life partner, the issue then become are you someone who is suitable and compatible to meet her needs?

You don’t have to be earning big bucks now to convince her how financially sound you are. But have you made any plans for yourself, short to middle-term ones. For example, where do you see yourself in 1 year and 5 year’s time? If you have made plans on your career advancement, any personal development and such and you have communicated these to her, then it would set her mind at ease.

At least she know one thing very clearly – that she doesn’t have to make plans for you! She can see a future!

Instead of sitting there and feeling helpless, I think there are too many things you should and can do.

Ask her if you stand any chance. Tell her your plans, which have to include her if you see yourself being together for the rest of your lives. If this is too much for you, then she is definitely not suitable for you at this moment because of the different life stages you are in. But if this is also what you are thinking of, then let her know.

She needs assurance and a sense of security. At least she knows if you two are going to be a couple, when do you see yourself getting married? Having children?

You don’t have to tell her when now, but at least let her know you have been thinking of these issues too. If you are, that is. All these may sound very unromantic to you, that’s right. But for a woman her age, romance may not be at the top of her list right now. She needs to consider her own biological clock rather than the number of roses she’ll be getting on Valentine’s Day or the next big surprise waiting for her around the street corner where she lives.

All the best to you S. If you need a coach to be with you during this period to help you achieve your outcome, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely, Kloudiia

[tags]love advice, relationship advice, dating, older woman, younger man, marriage, children, commitment, sincerity, stability, traits[/tags]