LOVE, Kloudiia

“Kloudiia

I went out with a guy for about 3 ,4 years. And we have been on and off since last year, we now sharing a house with another girl. So we have our own rooms. It had been a pain since we brokeup last year, and the on and off is not easy. But we had been really good in the last couple of months and I thought it was going to be different.

Then he broke it off with me again last Sat after a good two months (we did not fight much) and I was devastated. He said i am not the one for him and he wants someone who is on the same position (he is 11 years older than me, he is working and wanna buy property).Anyway, I have been on the rollercoaster since last week and even had some time off from the house. I love him heaps and I do everything I can to pleae him (cook and look after him etc). I don’t know whether I should see this as a phase that he is going through considering he is very busy with business , or should I move on and leave him.

Sometimes I feel like I can leave him and be cool with him, another time? I am just a warm person and I care about people so much. So this is why I asked you the question earlier: how do we know a relationship is finished?

It makes me remember what my ex said: my happiness should not rely on him and I am the only one who can make myself happy and no one can upset me unless I let them. I totally agree with it, but I don’t seem to know how to comply with these. I just can’t help it and how can I not allow people to upset me, especially being let down by the love ones. We are human beings, though I know that we shouldn’t let emotions rule us.” - S

Dear S

For the first part of the question on how to know if a relationship is over, I have written a seperate entry here – Are We Over?. Hope it is helpful. Now the main part of your problem.

A relationship that has been going on a rollercoaster ride brings more heartache than happiness. Not that I’m saying a relationship must only consist of 100% joy and happiness, but if it is bringing you so much pain and misery, wouldn’t you be doing yourself a big favour by ending it and moving on?

I understand that for you to really set your mind in stone and leave him for good is a hard thing to do. Due to the constant on-off nature, you have been conditioned that this may not be “the end”. There is always a chance for revival. There is always a “what-if”.

This could be a life changing stage for him considering some of the short-term goals he have. I cannot be totally sure about this, but my instinct tells me that he has reached the phase where he could be thinking of settling down, hence the plans for more financlal stability for a better future. He has chosen a path and it does look like he is not including you in this walk. 

But whether or not he wants to patch back again for the nth time is not the focus here. The point I like you to consider is – why are you allowing yourself to be treated with such indifference?

If this man truly loves you, will he treat this relationship with such disinterest? I hope you can put your emotions aside and mull over this question calmly. I believe you actually have the answer yourself already.

I don’t know how much effort has he put into this relationship as you didn’t mention. But from the look of it, you seem to be the main contributor. In a healthy relationship, the giving and taking needs to be somehow balanced. Though the ratio need not be kept at 50/50 all the time, but the scales shouldn’t be tipped too heavily towards one side most of the time. In the process of pleasing him, you might have lost part of yourself.

I hope you understand that loving someone does not mean you have to lose your true self. You need to keep your identity, that’s what makes who you are as a person. Losing yourself is equivalent to losing your loved one eventually as you have made them lose sight of the person whom they were attracted to in the first place. 

For your own happiness, I really urge you to start piecing your life back again. If having to face him everyday is making it too hard for you to let go and move on, consider shifting out. Living under one roof may be a too painful option to consider having for the moment.

What your ex said is totally right. Your happiness is in your own hands. You allow yourself to be happy as much as you give permission for yourself to be sad. How you can stop allowing your emotions to control you is to focus your mind on something else. You could start by visualising a picture of you getting over this relationship and starting a brand new life again.

In this picture you see a strong, happy and energetic you. Make this an outcome that you are going towards and focus on doing whatever you need to achieve that. What would you be doing now if you bring this image to the present moment? When you start living like you have gotten over him, you are starting to get over him.

You may wish to take on a new hobby, or to pick up an old interest which you have neglected during this time. If you need someone to talk to or to have a shoulder to cry on, go and find your buddy. A good support network will be extremely benefit for you. It will also be good if you can set a timeline for yourself where all these grievings will come to a permanent end.

Simply put, focus your attention on activities that allow you to get in touch with your positive side and concentrate on only thoughts that will heal you.

Then, move on. You have such a bright future ahead of you. Such a warm and caring person like you should find someone more deserving of your love.

Finally, if you do have a religion, pray to get peace and to gather strength. You need a lot of that to get over this period. Have faith in yourself that you can and you will lead a happy life when everything is over.

I wish you all the best.

Love, Kloudiia

[tags]Love,Relationship problem,Getting over,Letting go,Pain,Breakup[/tags]