“Kloudiia
I’ve been dating this guy for almost 3 years now, we’ve been on and off a couple times in the past year. He’s done nothing wrong, it just feels like its over. The problem is I don’t know how to let go, we’re still dating at the moment but I’ve recently mentioned to him how I feel and he agreed, but we both can’t seem to let go. I myself have been hurt many times by the opposite sex, this is my first serious boyfriend and I am his first serious girlfriend…could this be why it’s so hard to leave each other?? I feel like maybe my fear of losing him now is a fear of losing the familiarity of him always being there. I really don’t know what’s right, I love him so much, but I don’t see us having a future together. It just hurts so much knowing that we both love each other so much, but we are both coming to the realization that we’re not meant to be together. Thanks” - M
Dear M
Ok, you are getting me confused right now.
So, you’re saying you love him. Yet you have to leave him. Is this one of those rare cases when both parties are in love yet have to part due to some irreconcilable differences? I certainly hope not…
Let’s see how we can make sense bit by bit alright M?
Both of you are in a serious relationship for the first time. That makes you two newbies then. Which also means, there’re too many areas that can be explored and new territories ventured – translated into plain English (as if the above wasn’t plain enough haha), it means there could be new possibilities that you have never thought of at all! There is hope! Yay 
Alright, enough frolicking. Let’s get back to business, on a more serious note. But hey seriously, please do munch over what I’ve just said about new possibilities ok. It’s not meant to be a passing remark.
Now, have you both painted a picture of the future you wanted? What do you see in that picture? Are there sounds? What do you hear? How do you feel? Are you at peace in that picture? Or are you feeling vexed, confused?Â
Is your future in conflict with his, or is it complementary, or is it effectively the same because he’s in the picture too?
I don’t want to guess what are the plausible reasons for you to say that you and your boyfriend have both come to the realisation that you’re not meant for each other, while you still love and care for one another.
You need to be the one telling yourself why.
You know M, there are many reasons why we choose not to love someone anymore. But many times we can’t find one reason why we love someone, except that our heart is urging us to move to a certain direction where one particular person is standing right there, and our mind decides to make the choice of walking towards him or her.
Before you go to the “hows”, you need to find out the “whys” on letting go. When you know the “why”, the “how” will seem apparent to you. It’s always been like this.
That’s why in life, no matter what we choose to do or not do, we need to find out our why. John DiLemme likes to say this “Find your why, and fly!”.
Whether or not you’ll fly away from him, or towards him is something you will ascertain when you can establish why you need to leave him or to stay.
And why are you two breaking up and patching back again for so many times? Because you can’t find someone else better, or you are too used to him like what you said? Could this be why you feel that you need to let go and yet you can’t?
You know what M? You can. If you can leave the relationship and go back again, you can leave and not go back again. If you really want that.
Again, you know what M? Whether you think you can, or you can’t, either way you’re probably right.
But truth is, maybe your conscious mind is wanting to leave. How about your sub-conscious mind? What is it telling you? Have you truly listened to this inner voice?
If a fear of losing someone is greater than the need to leave him, then obviously you haven’t found the why to leave. Either that, or it’s not compelling enough. Which means, you’d probably be hanging around a little while longer.
Why not use this time to figure out what is the future you want? In all aspects of your life – career, finance, health, love, spiritual pursuits etc, since you know as well as I do that love and relationship forms part of your life and not entirely. Though I would agree that it could be the one that’s giving your life the most meaning and purpose.
Last but not least, I really believe you two should get a copy of my book (each!), which is all about developing and maintaining a loving and lasting relationship. Whether you apply it on your existing one to determine if you’re really not meant for each other or it’s due to some issues that seem too big or complex for you to handle, or you absorb those knowledge and learn from people’s experiences and life stories to make sure your new relationship will be starting on the right foot, this book is written for readers like you in mind.
If you don’t want to miss the special offer I’m giving away, go to this site now and place your order.
I wish you all the best, and hope to hear some updates from you soon.
Sincerely, Kloudiia
[tags]love advice, relationship advice, dating & relationship, meant for each other, couples, boyfriend, girlfriend, love coach, find your why, John Di Lemme, break up, patch back, rebound[/tags]
3 Responses
2007 Feb 23
I think it is important for us to differentiate between “it’s over” and “not wanting to do anything more”.
As I read on, I have this personal impression from her words, that both of them are suffering from some form of mental blockage due to previous relationships. I could still be wrong though. It is very easy for a relationship to fall into such a plight, IF both parties expect things to fall in nicely without having to do anything more. And why shouldn’t they?
Some lasting couples make it through, because they rejuvenate their relationship constantly to prevent it from falling into a stale state. They don’t tell themselves “there’s no future”, they create their future. A relationship is not a miracle.
2007 Feb 26
i have been in the same situation, but i walked off finally, coz i dun see any future. there are many reasons to falling out of love. and the reason is pretty clear here.
first, this is their first serious relationship. relationships are a way to know yourself. it’s normal that you get together with the wrong person in the first place thinking he is the one, because that’s what you believe AT THAT TIME. after that, people grow and learn more about themselves, and find out that the partner is not the type they want. heck, they may even feel that given the hindsight they won’t even be attracted to that person in the first place. this happened to me. i am surprised why i was attracted to my ex-bf. but i know it is because i was young and green in relationships, and didn’t know what is compatible for me.
dun despair, this is a learning experience. let it go and start over. there’s still a long way to learning and finally accepting who you really are. the feeling of “love” and familiarity will give way to a feeling of relieve and refreshing realization that you have done something right for yourself. 3 years is nothing compared to a lifetime of regrets and complaints, so dun base your decision on the reason that “it’s been 3 years and you’ve invested your time and energy”. time is of essence, dun drag something on just because you dun have anything better available for now…
2007 Feb 28
There is a fear of committment due to the past bad experiences from the both party. It’s good to identify the problem only then that they can learn to deal with it.
Suggest to have really open heart chats to identify all the fear and why of the two party, and then talk about how to overcome the fear in their heart, together, not as individual. Cause like I had said before, when in a relationship, it’s no longer ‘I’, ‘me’ and ‘my’ any more, but it’s ‘we’, ‘us’, ‘our’.
So overcome this together as a couple, more importantly, not to rush things but do it at a comfortable pace, and it will certainly take some time. A relationship is not only a process of knowing yourself, but also to discover about your partner, it’s a learning process and a discovering process.